I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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