did you get engaged???
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
