ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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