he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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