I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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