was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
