I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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