Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
