...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
