I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
