we have pet lesbian snakes
You work out of a Hotel?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize