Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
