i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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