She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
