i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
