Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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