just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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