so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
