Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
