What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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