I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
