Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
