Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think my vagina is haunted
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
