i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
