I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
