the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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