And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
