Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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