I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
