im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drake has all the answers
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
