Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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