My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
