May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The air was thick with penises
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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