I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
