i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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