I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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