I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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