dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
