Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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