Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
