How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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