I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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