just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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