This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
