while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
