What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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