Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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