How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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