just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
