I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
