I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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