Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
