I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
