Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
