3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Randomize