What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
