I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
