im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
