One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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