Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
