he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
