I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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