I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
